Short Story Competition Update

 

 The very girlie and cute notebook that holds all compo-related work. 

It's been two-and-a-bit weeks since the Short Story Competition closed. I spent the first ten days reviewing my plan for producing the anthology. I am now dealing with the registration as a publisher, buying of ISBNs, drafting of the publishing contract that will be sent to the winners, sourcing of printing services, budgeting and so on...

But I've also started to read all of these entries. I am thrilled that an overarching theme for the anthology will emerge once I've been through all of your stories. 

Today therefore seems like a good day to be talking about matters of style, grammar and presentation as I've detected a few problems that really should not be there. And before anyone freaks out, read this: nobody is getting canned for anything that I shall list on here. Let me repeat that one: 

I shall not bin any entry on the basis of what you read below,

but stick with me while I tell you about these blunders and the reason for doing so.

1. The entry form existed for a reason, as did the clear guideline that stated: 'Please add a footer to your story with the page number and the title only'. In the entry form you put all of your personal details including the title of your story; in the footer, just the page number and the title. This is done so that, upon receipt, the reader can immediately separate the entry form from the story, yet link one to the other when needed. 

   Why this hassle? Because this reader right here, me, does not want to feel biased about the entries. I knew that some of my online posse would enter this competition but I didn't want to give any of them an advantage. I didn't want to surprise myself thinking: 'Ah, here is Jane's entry, how wonderful, let's see how she has done!'. It would mean that I would be subconsciously inclined to cut Jane some slack in case of a poor entry on the basis of our acquaintance, while I wanted to approach every single story on its merits alone. 

   But... of course some people must have thought, 'A stupid footer? Why the fuck should I put the title of the story in the footer?! I will create a separate title page with my name and address and email and story details and staple it right at the front so that she knows exactly who has written what! And while I am at it, I'd better put a copyright notice with my name on every single page. That's how it's done'. 

   Other people instead must believe that a footer is a stupid place anyway, and put their names and story titles at the top (that's a header) and forewent the page numbers completely because I certainly have one story maximum on this desk at any given time. Also, I probably only take one story at a time with me to Starbucks, thus minimising my chances of mixing different pages of different stories. Yes, page numbers definitely do not serve any conceivable purpose. 

2. Some must dislike Times New Roman, the accepted font to use in all submissions. Despite the guidelines specifically requesting it to be used in size 10 or 12, I've received entries in the far more visually catchy Comic Sans (bold), in no-nonsense Arial, in the more elegant Georgia and Book Antiqua, in blocky Tahoma and in any size between 10 and 16, including 11 and 13.

3. Some people just don't know what the heck wide margins are; they don't understand that 'justifed' looks immensely more pro than 'left-justified' and they use randomness as their guiding light insofar as paragraph indentation, dialogue formatting, single and double inverted commas and punctuation (ellipses especially) are concerned. Use of hyphens (-), EN (–) and EM (—) dashes is not differentiated. Semi-colons seem much loved, and much misused. 

4. The entry form clearly stated to add 'your bio in up to 140 characters'. The reason for this is down to the promotion of your winning stories on here and on Twitter (which works only to 140 characters). As an aspiring writer you should really know that:

   these are 23 characters

   and

   these are four words.

   But of course some people must have thought, 'Screw you, I am not doing this stupid bio at all!'

5. I thought that the biggest selling point of this competition wasn't the potential publication in the anthology, nor the £ 100 to the overall winner, but the dishing out of a brief critique to every single entrant. Well, it turned out I was wrong. Two people didn't tick the box and didn't enclose the SAE for their critiques to be returned. It is always pleasing to come across people who know just a little too much.

6. Someone had an ailing black cartridge but wasn't willing to buy a replacement for this stupid little competition. One story is in a shade of black which turns blue which turns green. I am glad to report that the printer soldiered on though, all the way to the last page where it trickled horizontal black lines right to the bottom.

7. Someone must be eco-conscious and has clearly used the short story as a coaster. 

8. There seems to be plenty of aspiring writers who are still confused about its and it's. It's dead easy to learn, try this. 

9. Clichés should never be used but if you absolutely must, at least get them right. Quiet as a mouse, sweeping staircase and cut to the chase are bad enough in their accepted versions without morphing into quite as a mouse, weeping staircase and cut to the race. But... wait a second, which of those three is not a cliché? If you don't even know how to recognise a cliché, try The Penguin Book of Clichés. If you get angry with The Penguin Book of Clichés because it does not include 'going commando', get The Penguin Dictionary of English Idioms. 

10. The Saxon Genitive strikes again with all its cursing might. 

    The boy's uncle 

    The boys' uncle 

    The boy's uncles 

    are not interchangeable versions of the same thing. 

    The boy's uncle = the uncle of the boy

    The boys' uncle = the uncle of the boys

    The boy's uncles = the uncles of the boy

    and

    The boys' uncle's hand = the hand of the uncle of the boys

    and

    The boy's uncles' hands = the hands of the uncles of the boy

    Also, boy's is not plural for boy.

11. Of and off are two different prepositions.

    Of is never ever a street version of have, as in 'I should of told you before', even though I have seen a primary school teacher's report which read: 

    'You should of paid more attention to your spelling'. 

    To that one I only have this to say, because nothing else would do: for fuck's sake (=for the sake of the fuck). 

Now obviously, some of these things make me wanna reach for a nib and slice my wrists open. I wouldn't feel this way if I were reading a builder's invoice, but these are short stories written by would-be writers and even an aspiring writer cannot permit him/herself to be so sloppy, in content and presentation. 

The reason for this massive tirade dear competition entrant is this: as I told you above, I am not canning anyone because of these blunders, but know that agents and publishers, who receive hundreds of submissions per week, will. A covering letter that turns up with grammatical mistakes that leap off the page and jump out of the window while screaming for their life will prompt the agent to fling your submission straight into the bin without a second glance, and I am telling you this with a 100% degree of certainty.

A competition, no matter how big or small, should be the training ground of every aspiring author who is working on a manuscript or who is even contemplating about making a start. Why do I care, you may wonder? Because I am unlike everyone else. I can't just shrug and move on, I am here to empower you to be better and will harp on about matters of content and style until I have melted my keyboard. 

Would you consider a surgeon who operates with a pair of tweezers instead of a scalpel a professional? Well, exactly. You wouldn't want that 'professional' to do your appendix for sure. Present yourself like an amateur, and you'll remain one for ever. Throw away the tweezers and get yourself a damn scalpel.

Comments

[London Agent]

Ah bless, you can always count on print cartridges to strike, can't you? Great post, it made me chuckle as I receive plenty of submissions in many different sorry states... Let's hope they read this and realise that to present oneself professionally is as vital as good writing.

[Effie]

Oh no! Now I can't remember if I put in a sae for the critique - and if I didn't, I really did mean to as yes, it was one of the factors for entering.
I also not sure now if I put in a bio ...

*hangs head in shame

[Effie]

and I obviously get confused about to, too and two ... okay, just bin my entry now ...

[Sophie Playle]

Brilliant post. I run a small-press magazine and I come across this stuff all the time. Makes me want to bang my head against the wall.

[Laetitia]

You tell 'em baby - this is utterly kick-ass!
Brilliant...you are just brilliant....
...and you make me laugh.
Every agent should refer writers to this post in their submission guidelines.
Can't wait to see the anthology

[Brigita]

Hehe, this made me laugh but at the same time I wondered whether I made any of these mistakes. Hope not. I know for sure I didn't use the story as a coaster since I e-mailed it. ;)

[Kate Baggott]

While I was on vacation, the post attempted to deliver a registered letter with a UK postmark on it. They held it for seven days and returned it to the sender on or around 16 July before I could pick it up. Was it, by chance, you?

[Miss Understanding]

Thank you for your very funny and informative post. I'm now going to use this as a checklist for future submissions to make sure I don't make any of these mistakes. But dear agents and publishers, please bear in mind, no matter how much a writer revises, reviews and obsesses over their writing something will invariably sneak under the radar.(Hmm, is that a cliche? Must go check my Penguin Book of Cliches...)

[Realityhaven]

Wow, this made me laugh until I cried. Of course, that is likely because I didn't enter the competition.

I wish I would have come across your site earlier; I would have liked to enter.